Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Cucumbers and Sprite
Have you ever gone to the store and forgot what you were suppose to pick up. You did'nt bring a list, you don't have your cell to call home. So what to do? Not this, I will explain with this story.
Well by now most of you know how I am or maybe not no matter, I'm gonna tell you a little about Bess.
Now ,Bess is the boss and the real ass whupper here, she's about as tall as I am, but not quite. She has long white hair and I do mean white hair. Body wize whoo whoo , better not go there though.
Any ways, when Bess sends me to the store,I try my damdest not forget nothin, I always do though. Sos you know I finally figgered this out.
Bess, has a cousin, name of Cora Lee, now Cora is meanern a snake and as ugly as the inside of a burnt down barn, an B.O. that any chicken coop would envy.
Well she come to visit last week, sos I figure good time as any for a fishin trip. Now, Bess has other plans, no fishin. If, Cora weren't no girl I'd haffta whup her ass.
Now I'm stuck here, with this ugly ass woman, for three days, and she's one them house prowlin types, you know, them that looks in your drawers, goes through your cabinets, hell she mights well join the I.R.S. search squad.
Any ways, she spots these cucumbers in the fridge, about four dozen of em, and notices about tweleve cases of sprite stacked in the corner.
I can just hear, them ugly rusted gears, in that simpleminded ole head of hers crank up, like an old John Deere tractor.
Now, she wants to know, why in hevens name, we got all them cucumbers and all that sprite, damn. I been tryin to kill this issue, for bout two weeks now and she just openes this can of worms, agin.
Damn , I just wanna whup her ass.
Well, justl sos you know, I wouldn't whup up on no women, dont mean I wouldnt like to tho.
Bess, had sent me to the store, to pick up a few things, and cucumbers and sprite is what I forgot.
So, I figured out this here plan, when I go into the store, I'll ask, Jimmy, the bag boy, to say cucumbers and sprite at me when I'm leavin the store.
So, when I'm done shoppin, Jimmy says hey Mr. Bob, real loud, when I say real loud. I mean that boy shouted, you could hear him in the back, where that drunk butcher, Joe, hides out.
I said thank you Jimmy, for reminden me and I get some cucumbers and sprite and head on home, proud as a mule with full bag of oats.
Next mornin, I'm out on the front porch, wavin at the traffik, readin my paper, drinkin my coffee and waintin on Clem to deliver the mail.
Along comes Bess, outta the livinroom, sayin we is outta milk, now remember when Bess ays jump I dont ask how high, I get out the survival gear.
So, I head to the store, notice, Melvin Ray's, truck parked at Betty's Cafe, sos I pull in, he's been dodgin me since Easter, an owes me two bucks, I'm gonna git it. I go inside, ever body says howdy Mr, Bob, Melvin, sulks down in that there booth, thinkin I cant see him, hell hes over six foot tal,l an has feet as big as my aluminum boat. Hows he think he can hide in that there little ole booth beats me. I sez, now Melvin no sense you hidin there, I see you, just gimme my two bucks and wont be no ass whuppin here, I'll be damned, he paid me right there. Way to start the day, sos, I head on over to the grocery store to pick up that milk, feelin prouder than sister Hazels rose garden. I git the milk, check out, leavin the store, when , Jimmy the bag boy, hollers out Mr.Bob cucumbers and sprite, I said oh yeah, and go git some, head home with milk, cucumbers and sprite.
Hell, I, never gave it no mind even when I got home, I just put the stuff up.
Well, next mornin, same routine, cept, Bess needs washin powder.
I head to the store, see Alvie Sly's, truck parked in front of Betty's cafe, sos I pull in. Alvie's, the mayor here, you want sumthin done, go direct to Alvie. I told him bout the water what was backin up in my front yard, cause his lazy boys there, outta his office, ain't cleanin out them culverts. I got that fixed, he said he git them boys over ther this afternoon. Man I feel great, been tryin to git that fixed for months.
I, go into the store, pick up the washin powder, check out, when, jimmy, the bag boy, yells hey Mr. Bob, cucumbers and sprite. Sos, I go back and git the cucumbers and sprite.
Startin to get the piktur, huh.
This goes on bout a week or so.
Cucumbers and sprite.
Jimmy,the bag boy, me goin back an gitten em.
I don't pay no mind.
Well, I come in with them cucumbers and sprite, this time, Bess, screams what are you a doin, buying cucumbers and sprite for ever day, an shes hotter than a july firecracker, hell , Mr.Bob [she never calls me Mr. Bob unless sumthin is really wrong],we don't need no more, cucumber or sprite. Light goes off, bells ring, damn, I better tell Jimmy, I got plenty of cucumbers and sprite. Don't remind me no more.
Any ways thats the story, an that damn, Cora done brought it up agin.
I swear, that ole ugly thing, if she wern't no woman, I'd a whupped her ass.
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