Saturday, November 7, 2009

"Oldies And I Hope Goodies" Plus One For Mike

Well thought I would do a little edit and re-run of my more infamous post from quite some time ago. due to the power from the flooding and all I decided I needed to put up a post in case this thing coming into the gulf brings so much rain that it really makes this river rise,  we may be with out power for a while.
Kinda in limbo right now, power for a time then no power, a yo-yo effect, I wonder if that would work like a wind mill, one big yo-yo, just kiddin Mike.

Any way I hope you all enjoy these old post, Clem is plannin a travel itenerairy or however you say it, wikk let you know soon. You know how Clem is.

First un-edited re-run
Sitting on the front porch drinking my coffee, reading the paper, must be round 6:30am by nowI notice the traffic is picking up. Time to move a little closer so I can wave at everybody on their way to work. Reading the paper and I come across this here ad { WANTED YOUR OLD NEWSPAPERS.........WILL PAY 50cents PER POUND........BRING TO OLD HWY 71 NORTH.....ACROSS FROM OLD CHEATUMS TRUCK STOP}

Now here I was reading this ad thinking what kinda fool would pay that price for old news papers. When all of a sudden this big ole truck, painted a god ugly green, pulls up and dumps out the biggest stack of newspapers youd ever saw and kept bringing more. Now I'm not easily riled but this youngun was droppin papers on my favorite daisy bed. I yelled out at him hey fool git them papers offen my daisies. He said yessir where you want em. I said hell I don't care if you put em up your....... but git em off my daisies. Now about this time, some old lady, and I can say old lady being an ole coot myself, you know one them blue haired old ladies, with them ugly, half up to your knees sox on or hose, whatever they are. She gits out and starts unloading them papers too, by this time I'm gettin the picture, that ole fool in the paper ad, had my address on it and these people were bringing me all them papers. Hell soon there was more than a hunderd of em gettin mad and everything, thinkin I'm gonna pay em 50cents a pound for all them papers, hell I had to git my shot gun out just to git em to load them papers up an git outta here.

Man I was hoppin mad, took myself down to that newspaper office, walked in and yelled Imogene come here an splain to me bout this here ad.

Well Mr Bob let me see here, yep that's your ad,

I'll be dammed that ain't no ad of mine. I never placed no such thing. You people better git this right, in about ten min or less, or I'm gonna commence whuppin some ass here.

Made enuff commotion Mr Brandywine came outta his office, he said now calm down here Mr Bob, we'll figure out what the mix up is.

Mr Bob looks like this here ad was placed by Mr Cash and it was paid by cash and yes it has your address.

Well I'll be dammed, youn's know my address by now and know i didn't place no such ad, y'all better come down and pick em up, I don't want em and I ain't bout to pay all them folks no 50 cents a pound.

Well Imogene and Mr Berrywine came to my place and told all them mad people that it was a miss print, they were sorry, them people swarmed madder than hornets in a hail storm mind you.

Well Mr Berrywine was so overwhelmed he told em to bring their papers down town, to his office, and he would pay em.

Come to find out Ole Tom Muleskinner down at the old Donovan place was pullin his annual prank and I was the target. That's why Ole Bob need a gooden, got one post it in my comments for me, thanks!!

2nd un-edited re run
bbq'n in the back yard stewin over muleskinners little antics, thinkin all my frens and neighbors gonna start callin me "paperboy" or sumthin, I start fumim all over agin.
I star thinken and you know, that can't be good, how I'm gonna pay that no good s. o. b. back.
While I'm doin that, all these here neighbors of mine, are smellin this here cookin,and start moseyin on over.
HELL, John brung a date even, Holly Hooker or some such name, now dont go an tell Bess.
Kyrie and Chase come on over too, as well as Ness, this cutle little Scottish girl with her fambly. Cool and Anxious were here, Mss Sandra, came with her school lunch menu, anyways there was a crowd.
Now I gotta whole passel of people here, might have to swear em all in as a posse, and we will come up with somthin to play on the Ole Muleskinner.
Pert soon all these ideas come rushin outta ever where, more ideas than this ole man can muster. How we gonna pull all this together, much less pull it off, I dont know, but by god I'm in the mood to jez whup some ass.
Bout this time a hush falls in the yard, Tom Muleskinner, in my yard, at my bbq, and no beer with him (damn moocher).
Now Tom and I go way back, hell we graduated the same time, from Mss Sandras' class, 6th grade it was, even celebrated our 16th birthdays together the next day. So's I know him well.
Any ways, I hold back my, I wanna whup your ass attitude, an start chummin up. So hows about comin over Saturday and watch the ball game on my new big screen with me, I sez to Tom, man he jumps for that. I just bought one of them hang on the wall things, bout a 20in screen I think. He's just been waitin to see my bran new TV, got the bastard hooked now. Posse plan set. Kabang. Now the rest of the story as Ole brother Paul would say.
Tom shows up bright and early Saturday mornin, hell I'm still on the front porch readin the damn paper. That moocher still didn't bring no beer.
We get settled in to watch the game, Adam stops by, now this boy knows beer, and he brought some of his home brew, yeah buddy the good stuff.
The game starts directly and man is it boring, nonscoring, wish we wern't playin them Longhorns. Still no score at half time, we're watchin the crowd when Tom yells, out would you lookey there its them youngs from the BBQ
Well we got ole tom plastered on that home brew an i took his ugly ass home, dropped him off on his front lawn dead ass drunk, plans workin fine.
Go on home meet up with the posse thank em all ,we'll talk tomorrow, and I go to bed.
I get this call from Tom Muleskinner, seems he woke up went in his house and found this here sight.
Paper cups filled with water all over his livinroom floor, his furniture been glued to the ceiling, all his sugar and salt stuff all mixed up, the bat room is filled with balloons and his clocks all had a different time one, and to top the cake when I went outside some fool done wrapped my truck in that plastic wrap stuff.
Man all I could do not to wet on myself, that posse of mine deserves accolades of praise.

Pay back is a bitch, huh Tom Muleskinner (lmao) bettern whuppin ass!!!!!!!

Now meet the posse and partners of this caper:



Mikes favorite Cucunbers and sprite

Have you ever gone to the store and forgot what you were suppose to pick up. You did'nt bring a list, you don't have your cell to call home. So what to do? Not this, I will explain with this story.
Well by now most of you know how I am or maybe not no matter, I'm gonna tell you a little about Bess.
Now ,Bess is the boss and the real ass whupper here, she's about as tall as I am, but not quite. She has long white hair and I do mean white hair. Body wize whoo whoo , better not go there though.
Any ways, when Bess sends me to the store,I try my damdest not forget nothin, I always do though. Sos you know I finally figgered this out.
Bess, has a cousin, name of Cora Lee, now Cora is meanern a snake and as ugly as the inside of a burnt down barn, an B.O. that any chicken coop would envy.
Well she come to visit last week, sos I figure good time as any for a fishin trip. Now, Bess has other plans, no fishin. If, Cora weren't no girl I'd haffta whup her ass.
Now I'm stuck here, with this ugly ass woman, for three days, and she's one them house prowlin types, you know, them that looks in your drawers, goes through your cabinets, hell she mights well join the I.R.S. search squad.
Any ways, she spots these cucumbers in the fridge, about four dozen of em, and notices about tweleve cases of sprite stacked in the corner.
I can just hear, them ugly rusted gears, in that simpleminded ole head of hers crank up, like an old John Deere tractor.
Now, she wants to know, why in hevens name, we got all them cucumbers and all that sprite, damn. I been tryin to kill this issue, for bout two weeks now and she just openes this can of worms, agin.
Damn , I just wanna whup her ass.
Well, justl sos you know, I wouldn't whup up on no women, dont mean I wouldnt like to tho.
Bess, had sent me to the store, to pick up a few things, and cucumbers and sprite is what I forgot.
So, I figured out this here plan, when I go into the store, I'll ask, Jimmy, the bag boy, to say cucumbers and sprite at me when I'm leavin the store.
So, when I'm done shoppin, Jimmy says hey Mr. Bob, real loud, when I say real loud. I mean that boy shouted, you could hear him in the back, where that drunk butcher, Joe, hides out.
I said thank you Jimmy, for reminden me and I get some cucumbers and sprite and head on home, proud as a mule with full bag of oats.
Next mornin, I'm out on the front porch, wavin at the traffik, readin my paper, drinkin my coffee and waintin on Clem to deliver the mail.
Along comes Bess, outta the livinroom, sayin we is outta milk, now remember when Bess ays jump I dont ask how high, I get out the survival gear.
So, I head to the store, notice, Melvin Ray's, truck parked at Betty's Cafe, sos I pull in, he's been dodgin me since Easter, an owes me two bucks, I'm gonna git it. I go inside, ever body says howdy Mr, Bob, Melvin, sulks down in that there booth, thinkin I cant see him, hell hes over six foot tal,l an has feet as big as my aluminum boat. Hows he think he can hide in that there little ole booth beats me. I sez, now Melvin no sense you hidin there, I see you, just gimme my two bucks and wont be no ass whuppin here, I'll be damned, he paid me right there. Way to start the day, sos, I head on over to the grocery store to pick up that milk, feelin prouder than sister Hazels rose garden. I git the milk, check out, leavin the store, when , Jimmy the bag boy, hollers out Mr.Bob cucumbers and sprite, I said oh yeah, and go git some, head home with milk, cucumbers and sprite.
Hell, I, never gave it no mind even when I got home, I just put the stuff up.
Well, next mornin, same routine, cept, Bess needs washin powder.
I head to the store, see Alvie Sly's, truck parked in front of Betty's cafe, sos I pull in. Alvie's, the mayor here, you want sumthin done, go direct to Alvie. I told him bout the water what was backin up in my front yard, cause his lazy boys there, outta his office, ain't cleanin out them culverts. I got that fixed, he said he git them boys over ther this afternoon. Man I feel great, been tryin to git that fixed for months.
I, go into the store, pick up the washin powder, check out, when, jimmy, the bag boy, yells hey Mr. Bob, cucumbers and sprite. Sos, I go back and git the cucumbers and sprite.
Startin to get the piktur, huh.
This goes on bout a week or so.
Cucumbers and sprite.
Jimmy,the bag boy, me goin back an gitten em.
I don't pay no mind.
Well, I come in with them cucumbers and sprite, this time, Bess, screams what are you a doin, buying cucumbers and sprite for ever day, an shes hotter than a july firecracker, hell , Mr.Bob [she never calls me Mr. Bob unless sumthin is really wrong],we don't need no more, cucumber or sprite. Light goes off, bells ring, damn, I better tell Jimmy, I got plenty of cucumbers and sprite. Don't remind me no more.
Any ways thats the story, an that damn, Cora done brought it up agin.
I swear, that ole ugly thing, if she wern't no woman, I'd a whupped her ass.

I hope you all enjoyed the re-runs
Bess says hi


Alice in Wonderland said...

Well, Bob, how can anybody beat that for a Saturday afternoons laugh! My Mother used to collect all the old newspapers for the church, and the church would get something like £10 per tonne for them. The vicar would come and pick them up once a fortnight.
I never had any bother at the shops though, but we only have a few around here anyway, and I hate to see those poor dead rabbits hung up in the butchers window!
The only real bother that we had, was when our dog used to go into the grocery shop and help herself to all the dog biscuits!
Hope that weather is behaving itself. We have flood warnings in place here, and that usually means getting up in the middle of the night to bring the damn horses up to higher ground.

plainolebob said...

Alice, the gulf storm may bite us too, hope it veers east and misses us, but don't want to take any chances.
All the rains they had in the states north of us, feed into the same river, we are less than 1/2 mile from it, and the power poles for our area run along side it.
thanks and

Innocent Owner Of Mad Cats said...

See, sometimes good things come from bad. Bad storm, good stories. :)

Sorry to hear about your power problems. I didn't even know you had power. I just thought you hung a nut in front of a squirrel on a wheel. :)

Midnight Whisperer said...

Great post as always! Full of awesomeness and win with an abundance of much needed laughter ; )

Rae said...

I think you need to write a book and include all these posts. They are hilarious. It is sure to be a bestseller.
Hope that storm heads in another direction. Stay safe.

Farila said...

I have been laughing all by myself... (kids are busy in their own world) for past half an hour or so. You will kill me someday Bob.. I have to hide your post from my son who uses spellings like that and knows I don't like it. He should never find me admiring you.... All the three posts were excellent. I am glad to get such wonderful posts for free. I would sure pay big bucks to read them....
I wonder what glue was used to stick the furniture to the ceiling ??? LOL LOL LOL....

Tater Tot Mom said...

Great post! I needed that!

Sarah said...

let's see, you have power generator, food, water, and a raft ready for the storm right? i grew up with hurricanes and all, but right now i hate the earthquakes the most. i don't know which is worse. good luck and keep dry.

Betty said...

Bob, i did enjoyed your posts .They are too hilarious!
I'm sorry to hear that you may be without power.
Stay safe.
Love and
hugs hugs

Just Playin' said...

We've got some good Sardy mornin' readin' to do now! That was a good barbque in the back yard wasn't it with the posse and all. Mama 'n em are comin' by tirectly too.

Stay dry. Go get some milk and bread! Maybe you should just get the heck out of there! Take care.

Anonymous said...

I still lmao readin those, I cant help to read outloud with the suthern draw. btw all my girls are flowers , I m lily :D

Charlene said...

I love it and even though I read 'em before, I laughed just as much the 2nd time around. You've got a gift there Bob!

MsBurb said...

Pranks are for kids...Oops! I meant Trix are for kids!
Pranks are for kids in adult bodies!!!
(tee hee)

plainolebob said...

Mike, the squirrel got sick, and he's runnin real slow

MW, thank you so much, these are some of my earlier post, I never edited em

Miss Rae, I don't knoe if any one would read it, but I might try it soon, I'm startin to get old

Farils, lol, yeah my spelling is criminal, and if you would pay big bucks maybe i should find an agent,lol, that is too kind

Thanks, TTM

Sarah, not to worry, river is starting to drop, this creek and lake right behind us has started falling a little, maybe no rain, and we will be clear

Betty, those were my old attempts at writing, I never edited em

Miss Sandra, man you can git into I know, you southern belle you

John And Charlene, coming form two Mass. people, I can just take this as a compliment, lol

Miss Burb, ticks are for triks and pranks, well, I can pull em

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Ooooh! I'm so going to defer to you when I need to do some payback.

Thanks for the laugh!! :)

Jenno said...

As always, thanks for the laffs, Bob. I really think you ought to be writing a book - "Story Time with Mr. Bob" :) It's so easy to just sit have a little chat about daily life in your home town, there's just so many personalities about! Glad they get the fear of Bob in 'em and there's not too many whuppins. :)

Hugs for you both! <3

kys said...

I enjoyed your post! I hope the storm passes on by you guys and that you are safe and dry.

plentymorefishoutofwater said...

I don't know which award you mean, Bob! Email me

Dayne Gingrich said...

Bob-ditty, (that's your new nickname. Why? I have no idea).

I love sneaking over here, knowing I'm going to laugh every single time!

I'm going to send you $20... and you're going to let me interrogate you... just to get into your freakin hilariousness!!

Lorenza said...

Well...the last post is really hilarious, I just enjoyed imagining you in the shop. But the thing I liked most is BESS!

plainolebob said...

Stacy, any time and I'll round up a posse

Jenno, thanks for the kind words,you knoe if I ever do you gotta design the cover,lol

Kys, yeah looks like Hunter and ByDSea, are gonna git most of it and Miss Sandra too.

Fish, I hope you find it

Coach Dayne, thats a deal, all-in

Lorenza, Bess likes you too

Roni @ FictionGroupie said...

Lol, great post.

Melissa B. said...

Yup, I concur wholeheartedly with y'all who have already commented. And looks like Ida spared you, too, Bob...Congrats!

plainolebob said...

Roni, Thanks

Melissa, yeah glad Ida went further East, but Richard, and Sandra got flooded, hope they are all right.

Cheri Pryor said...

lol!! Greatest prank ever. Hope you stay dry and safe!!

UberGrumpy said...

Nice! Did you ever read Charles Bukowski? In fact, are you Charles Bukowski?

plainolebob said...

Umber, nope but i will lookhim up

thanks Cheri

Write Right Where You "R" said...

I can't read the grey on white!

foolsfitness said...

I was thinking... since your posts are re-runs I couldn't help but think wouldn't it be cool to do a comment rerun so here we go:

" MsBurb said...
Pranks are for kids...Oops! I meant Trix are for kids!
Pranks are for kids in adult bodies!!!
(tee hee)

At Foolsfitness we have trouble coloring in the lines!-Alan

We Laugh A Lot


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I Have started this blog as a rest stop to collect my thoughts, share my ideas with my friends and to start work on what ever, I started blogging at the last of august, 2009. it says 2008, hell I don't know where they got

just kicken it around