Monday, September 28, 2009

Lightin Up The Fireplace

Right outta college, I took this here job, with a up an commin retail chain. Now they specialized in fireplaces, an fireplace equipment. This company was outta  Deetroit, Michigan, where it gets cold, has snow an all that there.

Now I applied for the job as a manager trainee, now I didn't know nuthin bout fireplaces, an even less bout managin peeple. But the dern fools hired me anyways. They hired me on the spot, told me I was goin to Columbus, Ohio, to train in one their best stores. Thet I, needed to go home and start packin enuff clothes  for two weeks of training, lernin how to put these free standin fireplaces in homes an all.

This here company was a lot bigger that I could've ever dreamed. They sold fireplaces, an the stuff whut goes with em,  hell, we never had nuthing like thet afore. Maybe, a pot belly stove, cause it never really ever got cold enuff to have no fireplace in our little ole house no way. Most the peeple in these parts didn't have a fireplace lessen you was rich, an all.

Anyways went to, Columbus, in this here aeroplane , and had never flown in one them things in my life. Man, I was scared like a rabbit being chased by coyotes, an sweatin like a ruptured water main, had to wring out my socks, afore I could stand up. The damned thing finally landed, an I dashed right off thet thing.

They had me go to werk as soon as  they could catch me, they thought I was gonna run all the way back to Oklahoma. Yep, they took me right to the werk site, started me right out, cuttin holes in peeples roofs, an if thet wasn't scary enuff, they figgered I knew why I was a doin it. Hell, these here holes was eight inches round, now how we gonna keep the rain out, was whut I was wonderin. I'll be damned, we put this here shiny pipe on top of that fireplce thing, another thing on the roof, round the shingles, and it didn't leak at all. Man I was reall relieved, just knew these yankees was gonna blame ever thing on the red neck,(didn't know then they had got out of the war ginst the south long ago). Them yankees were real nice to me, even fed me lunch an all.

The next day we started back to the job when the big boss called. He told them boys to bring me back to the store, but to stop an git my things from the motel first. Man this don't sound good to me, hadn't done nuthin I could think of to lose the job thet quick.

The big boss was waitin for me at the store, he had this big smile on his face. He said hello there young man, I am Jim Buttmeister, the owner of this here operation, welcome aboard. Man, bout thet time I had passed enuff gas to fill one them flyin baloon things, eggsited I guess, didn't lose the job and all.

He went on to splain, the feller in the store in Oklahoma City, just walked out, quit. He found out I had been hired an was skeered I was his replacement, which I wasn't, but now I am. Sos, I got eight hours of a crash course on how to run this here store, thet I had only been in oncest, for about thirty minutes, taking an interview for this here job.

Good god almighty, all I learnt so far, is how to cut a hole in sumones roof, and they want me to run a store. Man I must be a really good hole cutter, or sumthin. Mr. Jim Buttmeister, says don't werry bout nuthin, your just a phone call away, hell, whut I wanted to know was, do I git a raise now. Sos I ask.

Mr. Jim, says well hell, yes, man Iwas happy as a pig in fresh mud. Werk two days, cut a hole, and git my salary doubled, and ain't done hardly nuthin other then thet.

Well, I git back to the store in Oklahoma City, an set up shop. Introduce my self to ever body an all.
Ask the folks whuts spose to be done. Come to find out, they install these here, fake gas log sets.
The ones thet look like a real burnin fire, but just the fire is real, the logs is fake. Now all I ever done is cut a hole in sum ones roof, never put these log things in. Sos I call Deetroit, they say not to worry, they would talk me through it over the phone. Hey now, that sounds easy enuff.

I git all these her tools together, and head out to install this gas log set. I open the box and see this thing looks like a pilot light for a hot water heater. Bout this time it hits me, I hope this here thing has sum kinda instruction sheet, whew, it did.

Now this little old lady was as sweet as she could be. She brought me tea, and cookies and just a jabberin away, while I was readin these here instructions. Well it don't look thet hard, the gas line is already there, just gotta take off thet gas starter thing and hook up the pilot light thing, I asked this lady where her phone was, thet I needed to check in and let the bosses know thet all the parts were there.
She says, well young man the phone ain't werkin right now, cause they're werkin on the lines. Holy shi...., now I gotta wing it. This poor lady got sum dam fool in her house, whut don't know how to do nuthin but cut holes in her roof, messin with her gas line.

This little lady takes a seat, in front of the fire place, an I'm still readin the instructions, while puttin these here things in. It says check the line for leaks with soap and water, sos the little lady gits me sum.
I put on the soap and water an don't see no bubbles. Next it says turn the button to pilot, and hold down to bleed the air outta the line. So far so good. Now I have lit pilot lights before so, I figger I'm in the clear now. I start smellin the gas now, the air is all bled out. Time to light the pilot light, I git sum them long matches, light it, put it down by the pilot light.........KA BOOM.

Thet thing sploded, in my face, threw me backkerds into they little lady, singed the hair on my arms, an singed the hair on my beard. Man, I was skeered that little ole lady was gonna have a heart attack, fretted over me. She weren't even worried I mighta blew up her house.

Then she asked me, should I call the fire department, I was skeered an all thet, but didn't want her to know how stoopid I was.

Sos, I said, Why no maam, ever thing is just fine, it's just a litlle of extra added service an I'm use to it, we always do thet to scare off any birds sos they wont git their feathers burnt off. She bought it, and it calmed her down and I left soons as I could pick up my tools.

I got back to the store, called the boss back in Deetroit, knowin I wuld be fired. He got on the phone and I splained whut had happened. Man, he burst out laughin, thought it was the funniest excuse he had ever heard of, the he splained to me, how a fire place has this damper thing, up inside and all, and it's spose to be open. Well, hell, I didn't never know thet, I said, it wasn't on the instruction sheet, he just started laffin again.

Damndest thing I ever heard of, cuttin holes in peeples roofs, blowin up their livin rooms almost, all in less then two weeks, and he gives me another raise. Thet was how it started, by the end of the year he had me runnin, thirtyfour of seventytwo stores, go figger.


Bendigo's Rage said...

Thank you very much for my chuckle for the night :)

Armando said...

that was hilarious still LOL thanks i did need that.

Anonymous said...

mr bob, yous could blows up the the city of alabama and youd still git a raise :D

Hunter said...

Nice to see you back in action and blowing stuff up!

plainolebob said...

Bendigo..thanks for stoppin by

Armando..glad to meet the need

John..Yeah the ciy is next,, lol.

Hunter..judt culdn't resist

Charlene said...

I'm still back laughing my arse off at "Jim Buttmeister" - too funny! Another great one Bob!

plainolebob said... really find his name funny, and to think iI started to name him, Arsemiester. lol

Rae said...

LOL Very funny. You really have a gift -maybe not so much for fireplace installation but certainly for storytelling!!

plainolebob said...

Miss Rae,
I guess it's better to be good at sumthin ten nuthin, and I can blow things up purty good. lol

Sandee said...

Well with a boss named Buttmeister you just couldn't go wrong. Bwahahahahaha.

Thanks for the laughs.

Have a terrific day. :)

Sarah said...

i can just imagine the little ol lady lighting up the fireplace and ending up with no hair left! lol

Innocent Owner Of Mad Cats said...

It took me a couple of times to get through your post. Everytime I came across the name Buttmeister I laughed so hard I forgot where I was and had to start over.

plainolebob said...

Sandee, knew you would catch that,lol

Sarah.. it turned her grey hair blue lol

Mike.. you are too funny, hope you enjoy those awards too



karen said...

So funny. Great blog. I needed a laugh.

plainolebob said...

Big...went to your site, well one of em , cool

Karen.. you and i are hving the same thing going right now, glad I could help you laff

Ann Martin Photography BLOG said...

Hi, Bob. I'm just stopping by for a laugh. Once again, you delivered!

Shinade aka Jackie said...

Okay we have Louisiana and now Okie City....why do I always get the feeling that I know you Bob!!

You sure you ain't holdin' out on me?

Makes no difference a'tll cuz I you always leave me with a chuckle!!
Jackie....possibly a relative!!!:-))))

plainolebob said...

Ann..what a pleasure, so glad you stopped by.

Jackie...ok , so theres no mystery here. I was born in Oklahoma, went to college in Louisiana. After graduation, I left Lousiana, to move to Oklahoma, after getting divorced in Arkansas, moved to Oklahoma, after getting divorced in Oklahoma, moved to Louisiana. I hope that helps.

Dayne Gingrich said...


Are you freakin kidding me? LOLOLOLOLOL.


timethief said...

You are one heck of a storyteller Bob. I appreciate how far you have come in such a short time. It's as though the flood gates opened the moment you began to blog and it's great watching you roll. Blog on!

plainolebob said...

Coach Dayne..thanks for laffin, Jim Buttmiester, cool name huh. lol is an honor having you on my blog, and thanks for the warm support, and kind words.

ladytruth said...

That was quick thinking with the bird excuse! I never can seem to follow instructions very well: there's always something left over when the whole thing is put together. That's what men are for, luckily :)

Thanks for following my blog and leaving a comment as well; your's seems like a good place to relax with a cup of coffee and a chuckle. You do serve coffee, right? ;)

plainolebob said...

course we got coffee, me an Bess loves company, but i'll warn you, after readin your blog Bess may try to set you up on one them crazy dates with one these gguys here. Don't pay her no mind tho.

Jenno said...

How did this one get past my radar? Hot dawg, I missed a funny one. :) Thanks for the laugh, sounds like it was fun. :D

plainolebob said...

lol, you are welcome you sweetheart you

style bug said...

I edited my blog because of your comment, thanks Bob! Here are the step by step photo's, if you would like to try the Beef & Beer Stew with Cheese Dumplings:

Sandra said...

Too funny! I can see this really happening. I mean, a beginner fireplace man just doesn't know the ins and outs. Enjoyed.
Mathy,Techy,Artsy Fartsy sends love.

Bruce Coltin said...

Bob, I just got back after spending 3 days in the woods without an internet connection. I tried to leave a comment on your other blog, but when I would scroll down, the comment section kept disappearing.

Thank you for the award and for the nice comments. Always appreciated when it comes from a fellow storyteller.



plainolebob said...

Julie, Thanks now I can try and cook it this weekend, spose to turn colder.

Miss Sandra, believe it or not this actually happened to me. I still laff about it.

Bruce, you are so welcome, glad I could pass it on to you.

Miss M. said...

You're so funny and really know how to tell a story !!!

I love the fact that you write with an accent, it's like I can actually hear you ! :)

Keep "lighting up" laughs !

M. xxx

Dr. T.L. Sanderfer said...

Great story! It was also nice to read about a man who actually read the instructions before trying to put something together. You have a new follower!

style bug said...

Julie Sent a *Hug*

The Blonde Duck said...

That's too funny!

plainolebob said...

Miss M, i really talk this way, lol

Blonde Duck... thanks for laffin, you blog is really cool too. make me blush

Dr. TL, yeah i rarely do thet too, lose the instruction most times, lol

Flory said...

LOL. You must be a "really good hole cutter".

Thanks for the follow. Following back. :)

Ahsan said...

wow!!! so fantastic story

Anonymous said...

Dang Bob, if'n you'd blowd up Alabamy, they'ud dun made you president, insted of that Obamy fella!


plainolebob said...

Flory, that ain't the half of it,lol

Ahsan, thanks and it is mostly true too, lol

A/V, yeah and ain't that sumthin, lol

lifechick said...

LOL Bob! You know, I'm not looking forward to cleaning my kitchen right now. Maybe you could just blow it up for me?

plainolebob said...

Life chick,
man i hat cleaning the kitchen, I use to take all the dishes when they piled high and soak the crud off of em in the bath tub. lol

style bug said...

I've done the tub thing ^^'

Betty said...

Hi,thank you so much for following my blog.
I'm your new follower:)
Have a happy weekend!

AJAB said...


Thanks for following my blog,

I just got finished reading your fireplace story, and it cracked me up.

My favorite part is, "didn't know then they had got out of the war ginst the south long ago".

Don't know if it's true, but it sure is funny.

Thanks for the laughs!

AJAB said...

Oh yeah...

You've inspired me to start a third blog. I'm not sure what it'll be about... but I hope to make it more laid back and funny, like yours.

Bilal said...

@ plainolebob, you commented on my blog and asked to suggest you a template, so here is my answer.

comment back on my blog please....

Anonymous said...

I love it ! Very creative ! That's actually really cool Thanks.

We Laugh A Lot


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About Me

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I Have started this blog as a rest stop to collect my thoughts, share my ideas with my friends and to start work on what ever, I started blogging at the last of august, 2009. it says 2008, hell I don't know where they got

just kicken it around