Sunday, June 13, 2010

Moles.....MOLES.......IN MY YARD !!!! MOLE WAR ON !!!!!!!!

Man I ain't never seen nuthin like this afore, pesky little critters in my yard, I don't believe my eyes.

Sittin on the front porch, drinkin my coffee, readin the paper, waitin on Clem to stop by with the mail.Wavin at all them busy people headed to work.
I am lookin aroun survayin this here yard of mine, when I notices sumthin I ain't never seen afore. A damned hole in my perifk lawn. I wonder had them kids been out here diggin holes an such.
Bout this time Clem shows up with the mail.
I ask Clem, had he ever in his life seen anythin as bad as this afore, hell you walk crost my yard, ain't nothin funny bout it. The lawn sinks in when you step on it an ever thing, little holes ever whar, I don't like it, gonna have a talk with them kids.
Clem, now he started a laffin. Ain't nuthin them kids is a doin, them thar is mole hills, you got moles in your yard, Mr. Bob, an ya better do sumthin bout it purty damn quick like. They'll  take over your whole damn yard, en ever thin gonna die there.
Well hell, I don't know nuthin bout these critters, they like coons or possums, how you git rid of the damned things no way?
Well you go down to Lowes, go to their lawn n garden department an ask Lerlene, what you need to do to get rid of em, they got all the stuff there.
Hell, Lerlene, she couldn't find a grocery store, lessen Lester drew her a map on how to get there an back home, what good will that woman  do fer me. 
Well hell, she's smarter then you, least wize she knows whut a mole is.

Well, I'm a thinkin, I ain't goin to Lowes for sure now, Lerlene ain't a gonna make no fool outta me.

I git in my truck, an head out to to Petes Seed and Feed, they got all thet stuff thar an I won't havta deal with Lerlene. I git to Petes, go inside, see that Petes there. Hey pete, whatcha got to git rid of them damned moles, hell, I got em all in my yard.
Ain't nuthin to it Mr.Bob, we got all the stuff right here. Got them pellets, that you spread aroun the hole, got the little trap thet ketches em, got the little werm bait, what they eat, and got the spray, what you can spray  the odor they don't like, an runs em off.
Good give me plenty of all of em.This heres an all out war, ginst them mole critters.
That'll be 129.87 with tax an all Mr.Bob, an I sure hope you get rid of all of em.

So, I go home, spay the yard, spread them pellets round them holes, put out, and set all them traps, and bury all them werm bait things. Real proud of my self now, got all this mole chasin, killin, stuff put out in the yard, maybe now I kin git my yard back, to its beutiful self agin.

Next mornin, headed to the front porch with my paper  and coffee, I notice the yard has even more holes then it did yestereday. I walk out ther on the lawn an notices them damned critters had dug holes all aroun the holes what were already ther. Them pellets still layin on top of the groun, the danged werms wern't even touched, and that odor smell spay, had my yard smellin like rotten eggs.

I got in my truck,  headed down to have a little talk with Pete. Got ther, yelled hey Pete, I gotta bone to pick with you. I spent 130.00 dollars here yesterday, to git rid of them damned moles, hell, all they did was party down on my yard.
Pete says calm down there now Mr.Bob, thers more ways to get rid of them damned critters, you just lost the first battle thats all. You need more up to date ammo sounds like to me. We'll  try these latest electronical devices on em. Them little critters hear this sounds and they scatters faster than ole ladies when they hear the dollar stores havin a sale on Tom Jones Records, fer half off. 
Now your talkin Pete, load me up, I wantta get em in the groun and run them rascals off.
That'll be $147.50 Mr. bob, an I sure hope you git rid of all of em this time.

I went home and put these little solar powered, electronic noise makers ever 20 feet aroun my yard. Hell, that oughta make em nervous as hell, run em off somewheres else. It makes a reall high pitched sound .

Next mornin, headed to the front porch with my paper  and coffee, I look out there in the yard, an have even  more holes, cept now they go in circles an all over the place.
Git in my truck and head back to see Pete. Git to Petes, yell out hey pete, them damned elctronic noise makers didn;t nuthin, not a damned thing, cept keep my dogs a barkin all night long. I done spent. almost 3 hunert dollars, an all i got is fat, crazy, moles , diggin even more holes than I had before. Hell, my front yard looks like target practice for beginner bomb practice. I guess I'll just haveta, tuck tail an go see Lerlene at Lowes an see whut they suggest, cause I ain't a given you no more money here. Then I stomped out.

Found Lerlene, out in the garden shop, now I didn't wanta arm her with no gossip, so I didn't tell her nuthin bout my rounds with these dang moles an all the money I had done spent at Petes.
What cha got to git rid of these here moles. I'm a willin to try anything, I just wantta git em outta my yard.
Well, Mr.Bob, you don't wanna waste no money on no pellets or electronic noise makers, or none of this other stuff for that matter. Now Lester, he just goes out and pees in the yard where they are. They smell it, an they think some ones aroun, that'll git em, an they skedaddle. Try that, Lester swears by it. Hope it does the trick fer you Mr.Bob, stop by the house and ask Lester, he knows ever thing bout gettin rid of them critters.

I figured, what the hell, sounds like a great idea to me.Went down and bought a couple  cases of beer and got started.

A couple of days later, went to see Lester.
Lester, when he saw me, he just broke out in the biggest laffin spell you ever did see. Howdy Mr. Bob, heard you had a war a goin with them damned moles.
Oh already heard about it I see, I said.
Yep, funny as hell too. When Lerlene tole you I got rid of them moles by pissin in the yard, she forgot to tell you we live way out here with trees and such hidin our place, You shoulda come here first, hell, now everone knows what you did and are havin a laffin party. 
Mr.Bob, you are one crazy ole rednck, standin out in your front yard, right by that hiway ther, drinkin beer and pissin on your lawn. Hell, I heard when the state police  got there and arrested you, you was drunk as a skunk. Tellin them boys to draw their guns and shoot them damned moles, damned wish I had been ther, had to be one of the funiest things I never saw.



plainolebob said...

come join me on face book, got a lot of commotion going on about the oil spill

Alice in Wonderland said...

Hi there Bob, you crazy ole coot!
Hope you are doing well.
Big Hugs!

Andrew Green said...

It's surprisingly hard to get rid of those damn moles....

plainolebob said...

Hiya Alice, yeah doin a little better except for this oil in our backyard

Hi Andrew, they are harder to get rid of than politicians in an election year

The Invisible Seductress said...

Too freaking funny... I mean I am laughing WITH you not AT you of course!!!!

Sandee said...

Okay, everyone saw your wanker and you got arrested, but did you get rid of the moles? Bwahahahahahaha.

Have a terrific day. Big hug. :)

preppyplayer said...

We have bold and brazen chipmunks taking over. One ran over my husband's foot as we were standing in the driveway!

Carmen said...

LOL! Good to have you back Bob - missed your tales. Love the new background too.

plainolebob said...

Invisible, damned mole was drinkin my beer when i got home too.

Sandee, a wanker shot, and moles ever where, i think they had them cam phones sand invited more moles over.

Preppy, i think them guys is cuzins, cept they can't sing like alvin en the boys.

Carmen, glad to be back, hope i can get it rollin agin.

Charlene said...

Welcome back Bob! Great story as always... and needed a good laugh too. Take care dear!!

JT said...

I have the same problem. You can't get rid of them. Good Post.

CarmenT said...

I stopped by the Blogger Help Forum Coffee Shop. In one thread you said that when you check out other blogs you always try to leave at least a small comment.

Then you went on to say that (not unreasonably) you really like it when others do the same.

Since I kinda fell in love with you when I read that you check out so many other blogs and ALWAYS leave a comment to show someone was there, I thought I'd check you out.

Obviously today was the perfect day to do it, as the most recent post was this one on your HUGELY FUNNY mole war story. I look forward to checking you out somemore.

Please consider stopping by my humble blog abode. You can find me at I look forward to your comments should you stop by.

If you do look through my archives (I'm only 6 months old so it's not hard to do) to find my posts Vomit and Vaginas and Life At Livebridge Part III (ignore Part I and II as they are for "insiders") as they are generally considered funny.

Thanks again for making me laugh. said...

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Queni said...


Like this post :-D

Real Life Reslers said...

ewww to moles. you need to let a dog loose on em

Anonymous said...

great post =)

Anonymous said...

good post . have a nice day

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Danzo-is-the-best said...

Dude, least you don't have a load of mice going round! I liked this blog mind! And will be returning =) check out mine if u want!

Charlene said...

Just stopping by to wish you a HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

JEM Artistry said...

Crazy Moles. Almost sounds too funny to be true. I live in 3rd floor apt so I currently don't have any mole problems. Hopefully you at least had a good time peeing on them moles!

Sandee said...

Hope all is well in your world. :)on

Anonymous said...

Hey bob, how are things at the prankn' place?

Peter Abdul Jegadeesh said...

"Hell, my front yard looks like target practice for beginner bomb practice"....ha...ha...haaaa...That was perfect! Those fat little invaders and the ultimate rescue operation "Operation Moles" !! Good one !

Peter Abdul Jegadeesh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TheFitness said...

Very funny blog. Nice work!!

We Laugh A Lot


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I Have started this blog as a rest stop to collect my thoughts, share my ideas with my friends and to start work on what ever, I started blogging at the last of august, 2009. it says 2008, hell I don't know where they got

just kicken it around