Aint Christmas Shopping Fun

Twas the week before Christmas and all through the land.

Shopping is hectic, got plastic in hand.

Walmart and Target are price cutting like hell.

In hopes that you'll buy from them as well.

The kids are hinting at the things they want this year.

While visions of debt is the only vision that is clear.

Mamma in rollers hunting for sales, and me at home taking a nap.

I guess something can be said about the gender gap.

When out in the parking lot, I heard something shatter,

Officer Obie, jumped into action to see whats the matter.

Alarms were blowing, and lights were flashing.

All you could see was a little ole man in a hadicap cart dashing (driving that thing at break neck speed too)

When what to your wondering eyes should appear,

The local police, in full dressed swat gear.

Poor little man in the handicap cart,

Was banned form shopping for Christmas at this Walmart.

Behind the wheel now and heading home with the loot,

The drivers are crazy, the traffic is heavy, watch out for that ole coot.

He's driving that cart, coming our way.

He acts like he's angry, hell, he's yellin "make my day"

I dont know what is under this hood, on Dancer, Vixen, or Cupid

Let's get outta here before that ole man does somethin stoopid.

So out of the parking lot I speed away, like Santa flying in his sleigh,

Man I should've shopped earlier, Like in the month of May.

When I get to house, with loot in hand,

I spring from the truck,  oh no, in dog poop I stand.

I learned my lesson, thats for sure,

Shopping for Christmas is a lot of manure.

Bob and Clem Party Easy Now

Clems brother, Jerry Wayne, has always had extremely long hair and a really long and thick beard. It was all beginning to turn gray and white. He has also always had these real thick glasses, those that are so heavy, they fall off your nose, he always, peered over his glasses.

His wife, Merlene, told him she weren't gonna have nuthin to do with him no more, iffin he didn't git that stuf cut off.

He came to me and Clem and and asked what ought he do.

Man are we gonna have some fun with this one.

We tole ole Jimmy, man we would love to hep him out iffin he was a willin to help us out.

Ole Jimmy, said anthin, long as it ain't sumthin stoopid, like havein to go to church for a year , or take out ole Blevins, ugly daughter, we laffed, hell, Jimmy we wouldn't do nuthin like thet, your married, and ain't no church we would want to punish like thet no way.

BUT!! We do have a favor.

Clara and Joe, your next door neighbors, been callin the law on us for years, ever time we have a party, an well, we would kinda like to git em back, nuthin mean  mind you, just a little fun.

Hell, they known me all my life, how you gonna have me do anythin, that'll fool them two?

Merlene, wants you to clean up, right?

You want to keep Merlene happy ,right?

So, you gonna have to have a  streme make over, right?

Hell, way we see it, they ain't even gonna know who you are. Now, you gittin the pikture?

Jerry Wayne, got his hair cut real short, got his beard all shaved off, had this fancy surgery done on his eyes, didn't wear them glasse no more. Hell, we didn't even recognize him.

Merlene was thrilled, an Jerry Wayne.got non stop luvin for a week.

Everbody is happy.

We take him over to Clara and Joes house, and introduce him, as a good friend from back east.

This guy, can tell you bout anythin you've done or any thin thats a gonna happen in the future.

Clara an Joes' ears perked up, tell us more they said.

So, Jerry Wayne, seein they donn't  recognize him, really gits into it.

He starts out, tellin em bout past events, bout their kids, bout how they fell in love, when they moved into their ole house, an had to fix up all the bad plummin. How six years ago Joe had a car wreck, and seven years ago Clara, won some money at the casino, just all kinds of things.

They never even once,  so much as had no idea that this was Jerry Wayne, their next door neighbor for the last twenty five years.

He asked em if they wanted to know bout their future now.

They was so amazed bout the information of their past, they yelled, HELL YES. They was excited to find out all bout it now.

Well, you got fifty dollars and I'll tell you all about your future then.

Man, I never seen Clara move that fast, she jumped up, ran to the back, came back, with five crisp ten dollar bills, just a wavin em an sayin tell us now.

Jerry Wayne takes the fifty, looks at it real hard like. lays it on the coffee table, spreads it out, and studies real hardfor bout five minutes, not sayin a word.

Ya'll have, an ole oak tree, out back, surrounded by some bramble, thorn bushes.

Joe and Clara, both shake their head yep, been here since we got this place they said.

An ole couple use to live here, Jerry Wayne continues, an you folks is bout to find their treasure. what they buried there. Seems Joe here, knows an ole man name Benard, an you two gonna meet up an fine thet ole treasure. It is buried under thet ole oak tree, just a waitin for the two of  you to dig it up. Cept, only problem is, you gotta dig at night, after midnight, can't have no lights, cept a flash light, an once you start diggin, you can't stop, or the treasure goes deeper.

Joe and Clara, are all so excited, they call Benard, right away, make plans, to start diggin thet night.

They git out there, right after midnight, they dig bout three feet down, the wind starts a blowin an a howlin, they start  hearin voices of peple wailin, chains rattlin, and bells a ringin. They git scared an run back to the house.

This goes on bout a month or so, an they is gettin reall frustrated, hell, that treasure must be fifteen feet down by now.

Clem an I, never had no problems with our parties after midnight no more.

Thanks, Jerry Wayne, hope you and Marlene stay happy too.