Saturday, August 29, 2009

Hamburgers and Such

Me an Clem, been doin a lot of thinkin lately, now you know that can't be good. We, been stewin and a steamin, bout the time we went four wheelin and runned out of beer, and whut, Jimmy Ray did, but mostly runnin outta beer.
I was sittin on the front porch, drinkin my coffe, readin my paper, when it come to me outta the blue, man I cannot wait till Clem brings the mail and tell him what I done cooked up for Jimmy Ray.
Well directly,  I see Clem, drivin up in his mail truck, sos I go runnin to the mail box,  tell him my plan, he starts laffin and say Mr. Bob this'ns best one yet, I'm in.
You see, Clem has this here old buildin that Jimmy Ray has wanted to buy since I cant remember, but Clem didn't want to sell to Jimmy Ray, but this here plan changed everthin.                                                          Jimmy, was gonna be able to buy that buildin after all.
Clem, gos and has a talk with jimmy ray, and presents the plan I give him. Jimmy is tickeled pink. mind you, finally gettin his dream buildin and all.
Jimmy has always wanted that there buildin, sos, he could open a bizness, but he hasn't never been, the shinest chrome on the truck . Clem an me have wonderful bizness idea for him, and man he loves it. He hires us out, to fix up the buildin, remodelin and all, oh yeah, the buildin needed a little werk.
The roof needed to be replaced, the foundation was cracked, there wernt no plumbin,. The electrical was still good though, with just a little up datin. So we replaced all the wirin, and since it only had, one light and one plug in, we though we better add some, sos we did, you know how it is when you gotta remodel, we tells him, better add some air condition too, while were at it,and maybe some doors and windows, would be nice.
Oh yeah, we are a doin it up right proper.
I tell Jimmy, boy your gonna need booths and tables and such,and a cook stove, a microwave, sinks, oh yeah about them sinks, your gonna need the plumbin for that, and people dont like out houses these days neither, sos, were gonnhave to add a toilet and a bathroom.
Well, after about six months, we had all these "little" improvements done, except the paintin and such.
While Clem and I are paintin, Jimmys out gettin all his suppliers set up and his regular stuff for settin up the bizness, licenzes, insurance, tax papers, book keeper and such.
Now ever day, we see Jimmy Ray at McDonalds, Wendys, Burger King, Jack in the box, and ever other hamburger place you can think of in these parts.
Finally comes the opening day, Clem and I had been watchin the progress, the whole way, just to make sure Jimmys bizness venture was successful.
Ever day, he would make the rounds, to all the other hamburger places before he would open up, and ever night he would drive by their place to check em out agin.
Ever one always thought if Jimmy ever opened a bizness, that he would do ok, not really well, or really bad, just ok
Clem and I, did really well for Jimmy opening the bizness, sos we thought we would stop in on him,  have a visit. His place had been open for about two weeks now.
No cars there,  it is noon time, not a good sign for a bizness tha serves food, fast food at that. so Clem and I, go inside, and say hey Jimmy Ray, and he says hey Mr,Bob and Clem, how yall doin, fine we says, well you know how we are, you never hear, hows your momoma and them any more.
Jimmy sez, I think you boys made more money fixin and sellin this place than I'll ever make, bizness just aint that good.
I have done ever thin you boys told me on how to be a success at this, hell, I been goin to McDonlds, Burger King, Wendys, Jack in the box and all the other places you guys said I outta go. Doin ever thin, just like you said, but the bizness just aint doin no good.
We said, have you tried advertisin, puttin out flyers. and visitin all the schools? Knockin on doors, gettin a billboard, callin the Elks Lodge and all that. He said I've tried ever thin and still hardly any customers.
 We told him, well maybe you just need to wait and see, the bizness will come, after all the concept and idea comes from a very very successful bizness.
Jimmy, you know we modeled it after the day old bread stores,  you know how long it took for their bizness to take off, just give it some time.
Jimmy said i know, but i  think the idea of " the day old hamburger", must be ahead of its time,  people just arent ready to buy it yet.
As a good fren of mine would say from- pardon my opinion- "nuff ced".

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Just Plain Ole Stuck-------- Memories And Such

Some things just seem to stick in your memory, your favorite hunting story, fishing story, shopping trip,

vacation, well you get the idea. Here's an outing that is unforgettable, well at least for me!!!

Me and Clem, likes to hang out sumetimes, you know, go fishin, huntin, poker playin, and the such.

Sos, when Clem gets his brand new, used fourwheeler, we just had to go try it out, but not just anywhere

mind you, we went to Roll Gully Bayou, well everone says you can't four wheel there, me and Clem's got

other ideas.

You see this here four wheeler is different, we decide to soup it up, yep, we are cool.

Roll Gully Bayou, looks almos like it sounds, a big ditch what rolls roud the Red river, sandy, boggy, just a

muddy mess. Who could ask for a better playground for two drunks, in a four wheeler. Isolated , way back in

the heart of Mr. Bob land, yeah buddy.

We decided to go early, sos we could fish and such too. Got ther bout 5:00am in the mornin, found a fishin

hole, fish weren't bitin, so we go four wheelin. Mud flyin fun, spinnin out, jumpin the creek openins, dodgin

trees and such, and oh yeah, suckin down the suds.

We are about twelve sheets to the wind by 8:30am, and outta beer, beer run, oh yeah. Two drunk  four

wheelers, head to the truck. Shot gon, I yelled out, hell, we get stopped, I don't need no D.W.I..

Clems, alredy got enuff ,don't bother him.

Get in his truck, he's got one them what can go eny where in, you know the kind, takes a 6ft ladder to get


Clem, is not only the mail man, but a retired militatery police, too. Thinks he can do enything.

They had been putting in a new road to the gully, not much traveled yet, but a real good shortcut., feels like

you travelin in a tunnel though. The sides are about 6ft.high, piled up from the gully, kinda mean lookin. Clem

says, I bet I can jump this side bank, I start laffin, you drunk fool that there is 6ft. high of rocks and dirt, you

ain't gonna jump thet.............................crash.

Wrong thing to say to Clem I guess, tell him can't and he wants to prove it.

Any ways, we done crashed into this thing, out here, with no one around, but God, snakes, and no beer, too.

We start laffin, when we sees,  fire commin out from under the hood. Seems Clem did it right good, slammed

so hard, that it knocked somethin loose, gas on sumthin hot, caught on fire. Hell, what to do, drunks, oh yeah

put out the damn fire.

Run to the river, get a five gallon bucket of that cold ass water, pour on the flames, put out the fire.  POP

POP POP,  SIZZLE SIZZLE, damn cracked the block, and still no beer.

Really stuck now.

Well here comes, Jimmy Ray, with his tow truck, how lucky can you be.

Jimmy, still has a grudge from years back, frog and all, you know.

Sos, he stops, when he spots us, bout a football field away. Well, we wave our hands and call out, hey

Jimmy, tow us into town.. Jimmy, yells back, no can do, gottaa call the state police. I'm on call today and

have to report my where abouts, sorry guys.

That, stoopid S.O.B., I am ready to whup some ass now, you know how I think.

He calls the state boys, they come, and don"t you know, we get this rookie, wearin his shiny new boots, and

those stoopid glasses with the mirrors lookin at ya.

He says, you boys been drinkin.

Well doh.

You think we woulda done sumthin this stoopid iffen we was sober!! I says.

That ole boy just startin laughin , like a bull what had found all the cows at the bottom of the hill.

Said, git in, I'll give yall a ride into town, Clem asks, can you stop on the way, sos we can get some more


He rolled laffin , guess he didn't know Clem was serious.

Jimmy Ray is fumin, he was a thinkin, we'd go to jail. I'm Thinking, posse may have to ride soon and fix his

wagon, we'll see.

Any ways, we get home, get more beer, and pass out. No tickets, no D.W.I. and have a new state boy fren

what want to  go four wheelin with us next time.

I guess the lessin we learnt was, if your gonna go four wheelin, at Roll Gully, and you get there early. Bring

plenty of beer.

Monday, August 24, 2009

"Teachers Pet" You Betcha! ! !

Always thought the teacher pet thing was a myth. I ain't ,till this point, never seen no teacher what was partial to enythin.
When I first started skool, I was a cute little tyke, meaner than hell, and way smarter in my briches, than most can imagine. Knew that cause, grandpap, always said, Ruth, that boy of yours is a real smartty britches, I knew I was special.
Took till about the third grade, before I kinda figgred out, I ain't no teachers pet, I was ten when I came to this discovery.
Hell, I was always in some kinda trubel, always havin to stay after skool for sumpthin.
Once cause, Jimmy Ray and me were fightin, he said I was cheatin, cause we were havin a toad race, he a had a biggen, so I talked him into given mine a little head start and his lost.
So, Mss. Sandra, being all diplomatic, an everthin, kept us in durin recess. She said now Jimmy just cause your frog lost the race, don't mean you have to fight. Now Bob you makin up the rules before the race startin, was fine, but just cause your frog is smaller than Jimm Ray's dont mean to make up unfair rules. Makin Jimmy's frog start at the starting line, and you lettin yours start 6 inches from the finish line... Then she just burst out in tears, laughing and carrying on and told us to leave,
I guess thats the closest i ever got to being a teachers pet.
Woder if this makes me a myth buster?

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Tsunami Pizza Never Heard of Such!!!!!

Pizza Hut tsunami pizza, well, you know me, if I can"t mess it up, it ain't there, people sniker sumtimes, like these little pizza girls did when I ordered this, hell I didn't know it was Tuscani pizza. I aint no pizza officiando, but I can damn sure eat em.
These guys come to the door [now i'm not offend'en no one here, or tryin to any ways] and they tell me, thay are Mormons from, Utah. Well they was strangers to me, so I said boys no sense in callin yourself morons, hell we gotta lots of slow folks, in these parts.
I don't know how I do that, started written this here blog and everbody talkin bout followers, hell, I thought I was at a garden show for a while. Bess, had to tell me wern't no flowers, that there was followers.
Well, thats when I knewd I'd be allright then, I wasn't gittin into this for no more flowers, hell, I got a yard full of em now. and I don't feel like pullin no more weeds.
Now, that selective hearing disease, I got thats.a horse in another race, gets me all screwed up,ain't gonna git into that, right now..
Well, I hope you enjoy this tsunami pizza, as much as
ole Mr. Bob did.

Mr. Bob Gambles

Well we all gotta do sumthin,a fren brought over these here shrimp bout 20lbs, now i ain't a gonna sit here and head shrimp all night, Bess is gone with Cora, an I'm gonna slip on outta here fer a while, play some poker, get drunk, then hide all them damn cucumbers.
Ain't no telling whats gonna fly when that shrimp is spotted.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Cucumbers and Sprite

Have you ever gone to the store and forgot what you were suppose to pick up. You did'nt bring a list, you don't have your cell to call home. So what to do? Not this, I will explain with this story.
Well by now most of you know how I am or maybe not no matter, I'm gonna tell you a little about Bess.
Now ,Bess is the boss and the real ass whupper here, she's about as tall as I am, but not quite. She has long white hair and I do mean white hair. Body wize whoo whoo , better not go there though.
Any ways, when Bess sends me to the store,I try my damdest not forget nothin, I always do though. Sos you know I finally figgered this out.
Bess, has a cousin, name of Cora Lee, now Cora is meanern a snake and as ugly as the inside of a burnt down barn, an B.O. that any chicken coop would envy.
Well she come to visit last week, sos I figure good time as any for a fishin trip. Now, Bess has other plans, no fishin. If, Cora weren't no girl I'd haffta whup her ass.
Now I'm stuck here, with this ugly ass woman, for three days, and she's one them house prowlin types, you know, them that looks in your drawers, goes through your cabinets, hell she mights well join the I.R.S. search squad.
Any ways, she spots these cucumbers in the fridge, about four dozen of em, and notices about tweleve cases of sprite stacked in the corner.
I can just hear, them ugly rusted gears, in that simpleminded ole head of hers crank up, like an old John Deere tractor.
Now, she wants to know, why in hevens name, we got all them cucumbers and all that sprite, damn. I been tryin to kill this issue, for bout two weeks now and she just openes this can of worms, agin.
Damn , I just wanna whup her ass.
Well, justl sos you know, I wouldn't whup up on no women, dont mean I wouldnt like to tho.
Bess, had sent me to the store, to pick up a few things, and cucumbers and sprite is what I forgot.
So, I figured out this here plan, when I go into the store, I'll ask, Jimmy, the bag boy, to say cucumbers and sprite at me when I'm leavin the store.
So, when I'm done shoppin, Jimmy says hey Mr. Bob, real loud, when I say real loud. I mean that boy shouted, you could hear him in the back, where that drunk butcher, Joe, hides out.
I said thank you Jimmy, for reminden me and I get some cucumbers and sprite and head on home, proud as a mule with full bag of oats.
Next mornin, I'm out on the front porch, wavin at the traffik, readin my paper, drinkin my coffee and waintin on Clem to deliver the mail.
Along comes Bess, outta the livinroom, sayin we is outta milk, now remember when Bess ays jump I dont ask how high, I get out the survival gear.
So, I head to the store, notice, Melvin Ray's, truck parked at Betty's Cafe, sos I pull in, he's been dodgin me since Easter, an owes me two bucks, I'm gonna git it. I go inside, ever body says howdy Mr, Bob, Melvin, sulks down in that there booth, thinkin I cant see him, hell hes over six foot tal,l an has feet as big as my aluminum boat. Hows he think he can hide in that there little ole booth beats me. I sez, now Melvin no sense you hidin there, I see you, just gimme my two bucks and wont be no ass whuppin here, I'll be damned, he paid me right there. Way to start the day, sos, I head on over to the grocery store to pick up that milk, feelin prouder than sister Hazels rose garden. I git the milk, check out, leavin the store, when , Jimmy the bag boy, hollers out Mr.Bob cucumbers and sprite, I said oh yeah, and go git some, head home with milk, cucumbers and sprite.
Hell, I, never gave it no mind even when I got home, I just put the stuff up.
Well, next mornin, same routine, cept, Bess needs washin powder.
I head to the store, see Alvie Sly's, truck parked in front of Betty's cafe, sos I pull in. Alvie's, the mayor here, you want sumthin done, go direct to Alvie. I told him bout the water what was backin up in my front yard, cause his lazy boys there, outta his office, ain't cleanin out them culverts. I got that fixed, he said he git them boys over ther this afternoon. Man I feel great, been tryin to git that fixed for months.
I, go into the store, pick up the washin powder, check out, when, jimmy, the bag boy, yells hey Mr. Bob, cucumbers and sprite. Sos, I go back and git the cucumbers and sprite.
Startin to get the piktur, huh.
This goes on bout a week or so.
Cucumbers and sprite.
Jimmy,the bag boy, me goin back an gitten em.
I don't pay no mind.
Well, I come in with them cucumbers and sprite, this time, Bess, screams what are you a doin, buying cucumbers and sprite for ever day, an shes hotter than a july firecracker, hell , Mr.Bob [she never calls me Mr. Bob unless sumthin is really wrong],we don't need no more, cucumber or sprite. Light goes off, bells ring, damn, I better tell Jimmy, I got plenty of cucumbers and sprite. Don't remind me no more.
Any ways thats the story, an that damn, Cora done brought it up agin.
I swear, that ole ugly thing, if she wern't no woman, I'd a whupped her ass.

The Big Pay-Back or The Pose's Acommin

bbq'n in the back yard stewin over muleskinners little antics, thinkin all my frens and neighbors gonna start callin me "paperboy" or sumthin, I start fumim all over agin.
I star thinken and you know, that can't be good, how I'm gonna pay that no good s. o. b. back.
While I'm doin that, all these here neighbors of mine, are smellin this here cookin,and start moseyin on over.
HELL, John brung a date even, Holly Hooker or some such name, now dont go an tell Bess.
Kyrie and Chase come on over too, as well as Ness, this cutle little Scottish girl with her fambly. Cool and Anxious were here, Mss Sandra, came with her school lunch menu, anyways there was a crowd.
Now I gotta whole passel of people here, might have to swear em all in as a posse, and we will come up with somthin to play on the Ole Muleskinner.
Pert soon all these ideas come rushin outta ever where, more ideas than this ole man can muster. How we gonna pull all this together, much less pull it off, I dont know, but by god I'm in the mood to jez whup some ass.
Bout this time a hush falls in the yard, Tom Muleskinner, in my yard, at my bbq, and no beer with him (damn moocher).
Now Tom and I go way back, hell we graduated the same time, from Mss Sandras' class, 6th grade it was, even celebrated our 16th birthdays together the next day. So's I know him well.
Any ways, I hold back my, I wanna whup your ass attitude, an start chummin up. So hows about comin over Saturday and watch the ball game on my new big screen with me, I sez to Tom, man he jumps for that. I just bought one of them hang on the wall things, bout a 20in screen I think. He's just been waitin to see my bran new TV, got the bastard hooked now. Posse plan set. Kabang. Now the rest of the story as Ole brother Paul would say.
Tom shows up bright and early Saturday mornin, hell I'm still on the front porch readin the damn paper. That moocher still didn't bring no beer.
We get settled in to watch the game, Adam stops by, now this boy knows beer, and he brought some of his home brew, yeah buddy the good stuff.
The game starts directly and man is it boring, nonscoring, wish we wern't playin them Longhorns. Still no score at half time, we're watchin the crowd when Tom yells, out would you lookey there its them youngs from the BBQ
Well we got ole tom plastered on that home brew an i took his ugly ass home, dropped him off on his front lawn dead ass drunk, plans workin fine.
Go on home meet up with the posse thank em all ,we'll talk tomorrow, and I go to bed.
I get this call from Tom Muleskinner, seems he woke up went in his house and found this here sight.
Paper cups filled with water all over his livinroom floor, his furniture been glued to the ceiling, all his sugar and salt stuff all mixed up, the bat room is filled with balloons and his clocks all had a different time one, and to top the cake when I went outside some fool done wrapped my truck in that plastic wrap stuff.
Man all I could do not to wet on myself, that posse of mine deserves accolades of praise.

Pay back is a bitch, huh Tom Muleskinner (lmao) bettern whuppin ass!!!!!!!

Now meet the posse and partners of this caper:



Tuesday, August 18, 2009



Monday, August 17, 2009

I Am In The Papers ! ! ! [nominated for peoples choice awards]

Sitting on the front porch drinking my coffee, reading the paper, must be round 6:30am by nowI notice the traffic is picking up. Time to move a little closer so I can wave at everybody on their way to work. Reading the paper and I come across this here ad { WANTED YOUR OLD NEWSPAPERS.........WILL PAY 50cents PER POUND........BRING TO OLD HWY 71 NORTH.....ACROSS FROM OLD CHEATUMS TRUCK STOP}

Now here I was reading this ad thinking what kinda fool would pay that price for old news papers. When all of a sudden this big ole truck, painted a god ugly green, pulls up and dumps out the biggest stack of newspapers youd ever saw and kept bringing more. Now I'm not easily riled but this youngun was droppin papers on my favorite daisy bed. I yelled out at him hey fool git them papers offen my daisies. He said yessir where you want em. I said hell I don't care if you put em up your....... but git em off my daisies. Now about this time, some old lady, and I can say old lady being an ole coot myself, you know one them blue haired old ladies, with them ugly, half up to your knees sox on or hose, whatever they are. She gits out and starts unloading them papers too, by this time I'm gettin the picture, that ole fool in the paper ad, had my address on it and these people were bringing me all them papers. Hell soon there was more than a hunderd of em gettin mad and everything, thinkin I'm gonna pay em 50cents a pound for all them papers, hell I had to git my shot gun out just to git em to load them papers up an git outta here.

Man I was hoppin mad, took myself down to that newspaper office, walked in and yelled Imogene come here an splain to me bout this here ad.

Well Mr Bob let me see here, yep that's your ad,

I'll be dammed that ain't no ad of mine. I never placed no such thing. You people better git this right, in about ten min or less, or I'm gonna commence whuppin some ass here.

Made enuff commotion Mr Brandywine came outta his office, he said now calm down here Mr Bob, we'll figure out what the mix up is.

Mr Bob looks like this here ad was placed by Mr Cash and it was paid by cash and yes it has your address.

Well I'll be dammed, youn's know my address by now and know i didn't place no such ad, y'all better come down and pick em up, I don't want em and I ain't bout to pay all them folks no 50 cents a pound.

Well Imogene and Mr Berrywine came to my place and told all them mad people that it was a miss print, they were sorry, them people swarmed madder than hornets in a hail storm mind you.

Well Mr Berrywine was so overwhelmed he told em to bring their papers down town, to his office, and he would pay em.

Come to find out Ole Tom Muleskinner down at the old Donovan place was pullin his annual prank and I was the target. That's why Ole Bob need a gooden, got one post it in my comments for me, thanks!!!

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Prize For Me?? and a Prize Check?? RERUN

Sitting on the front porch waving at the cars as they pass by, wondering where it is that everyone is headed for, hell it's not even noon yet, I know coz the mail truck hasn't come yet. Yeah waiting on the mail, drinking my coffee, reading the morning paper and waiting on the mail.

Man what a wonderful life, less I get some of them damn bills I can't pay, hell I keep tellin them folks the check is in the mail. They act like I'm lyin to em, hell when I get a check they' ll get a check.

Codgitatin on this when the mail truck comes, wave at Clem, hes our mailman, go and get the mail.

Lands o heaven theres a letter sez I won cash money, yep $100.00 in a check for that amount too. well I run to the house tear of this raggedy ole robe get my O U sweatshirt, run to the back yard and yell at ma to hurry on up we goin to town, to the bank to cash this here check. shes hard of hearing don't you know, so I have to go out by the chicken coop and say hey old lady pack it up we gotta go an cash this here check, and no we ain't stoppin in walmart on the way there neither.

Well Iwalk into the bank and that pretty little redheaded teller sez hi Mr Bob, thats what they've always called me, Mr Bob.

I said hi Leeann, I wanna cash this here check and she says alrighty then let me have it . so I hand her the check to cash she looks at it and sez, Mr Bob there may be a problem here, I said I'll be dammed its a check for a hundred dollars ain't it, and she sez yessir, I say alrighty then cash the dam thing and gimme my `$1oo dollar bill and I'm going to Walmart, she looks at the check again and sez shes gotta git Mr Broomtower to hep her with it could I just sit down and wait a minute, and I sit down to wait.

Mr Broomtower walks up an sez, hi Mr Bob how we can help you today and where's Bess,

well shes sittin in the truck right out there in front. He sez Mr Bob its a hundred degrees out there Bess needs to come in side. I told him she would be fine as theres a water thermos and a can o beer in that truck not to worry, just gimme my $100 dollar bill so I could go to Walmart.

he sez, Mr Bob we gotta problem here this check is for opening a new account that is set up for direct deposit and your social security check and Bess's social security check are already direct deposited here. I said well I'll be dammed, then Ineed 2 of them checks one for me and one for Bess, well he looked at me like I was a loon. he started backin up and said now Mr Bob the problem is I cant give you no check, you already have an account, this here is for a new account.

No problem Mr Broomtower jez close out them 2 accounts and open 2 new ones and gimme $200 dollars and that 'll suit me jez fine. Well Mr Bob we cant........iI'll be dammed you sent me this here check and now you tellin me this check aint no good? No, Mr Bob.......... fine then gimme some $2oo dollars or I'm gonna whup some ass right here, right now, Mr Broomtower turned white as a billy goat and got as nervous as a cow with a buck toothed calf and said, let me make a call to see what can be done.

ok then alrighty.

well whoever he called they got it straightened out and I got (2) 100 dollar bills and hee haw, I still got the damm check too I guess the jokes on them, I'm gonna take it to the check cash place in Tulsa, cash em an head to Walmart.

I guess you might say that the moral of this story is, oh hell I don't know you tell me. Just leave little Bob here a comment and tell him what the hell the moral is.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

That Phone-mercial

If You Have Never Received This Call Then PLEASE Ignore This Blog

Caller: hello sir you have won a trip to the Caribbean for your self and a friend.

Me: I have how wonderful, how much is it?

Caller: that's is the great news. We are running a special for only$29.99 today.

Me: that's all, can i bring my dog, and who will watch my horses,

hell you know I'll have to bring the whole dammed family. How bigs them cabins y'all got?

Caller: well sir there are two cabins and you can bring your family.

Me: well dam how'm I spose ta git 17 people in 2 cabins, they talk all the time, hell sometimes they even fight amongst thar sefs, and that dog'll have to walk around too, ya'll got a walkin trail or sumpthin.

Caller: sir I'm not sure you can bring animals....

Me: (interrupting) well I'll be dammed sum ones gotta take care of these here animals I can't jez leave em, they'd be into everthin, wodn"t be able to feed theyseves, ya'll ain't got nobody what could watch em while I'm on the trip and all? That jez don sound right, hell I'll jez have to bring em.

Caller: well sir that would not be allowed ....

Me: (interrupting) well I'll be dammed I ain't bout to leave these here animals to starve, I may haff to jez port youenses to the animal rights people or sumpthin, and besides that you ain't said how you was gonna feed us on this here trip, hell we gotta eat, I know this ain't no overnight thing, an whut about parkin for our vehicles?
Caller: we sir we do provide kennel care, and there are 2 meals per person each day.....
Me: (interrupting) kennel care whut that, like a baby sitter, why hell no i don't trust no baby sitters, an far as foo hell jimmy jo bob , would starve on 2 little ole meal-a-day, guess well have to bring our own vittles, we gotta a big smoker grill too hell we could cook meals foe ever one you got and have plenty left over, bout that parkin, we all drive RVs will bee about eight of em you got parkin for our Rvs?
Caller: sir I don't think your taking this serious and i don't want to waste your time and mine....
Me: (interrupting).. hell I'll be dammed you ain't wastin my time i ain't got nothin better to do no way than to waste yours
well I haven't heard from that trip yet, hope some one is having a good time at the islands.

Red Sky

Red sky at night sailors delight.

Sailors Sayings

Red sky in morning sailors take warning.

Isn't wonderful how you feel when things that have pressed so hard against the recesses of you heart and soul are finally released, a new day, the phone hasn't rang, you enjoy that first cup of coffee, pick up the paper , all is well all is well.

By now many of you have gathered that at one time I was a man of the sea, you would indeed be right.

I started this blog out slowly about stories from Dean, who by the way is not a fictional character.

As it turns out Dean who comes by at least two to three times a week with all these delusional tales, is indeed a wealthy man. He had a fiduciary that tried to take everything while he was institutionalized, but was caught and had to make restitution, Dean wanted to give me a huge chunk of money I refused his offer and had a friend of mine set him up with a trust fund to operate out of.

I was going to tell the long version but changed my mind after writing about my accident.

What direction this will go is yours to discover and mine to plot.

Now that I feel I can face the sea again.

Thanks to all of you, I know I was a bother in the coffee shop and for that I apologize to any and all if I offended.

The ambition and prankster part of me as impish as it is just got the better of me.

I leave this post on this note.

velvet voices vibrate violently

moments masterfully managed

forward favored followers

gaining gleaming gallantly

to a more light hearted and inspiring blog

The Accident That Changed It All

Against all protests by the crew, and captain we were on our way to this small platform in the delta

The vessel we are on is made to take a large amount of supplies to the rigs both for their daily activities and the job that are doing, so it is not a small boat.

On the way out everyone on the incoming vessels are radioing and asking what the hell we're doing going out into this storm. We radio back what and why, all they can do is wish us well.

The seas are rushing into the channel at the sea buoy, we are not going that far only about 20mi or so, but you would think that we were 120mi. out at the size of the seas.

We make it to the platform 2 men are on watch there and writing for us, we get in place for this 10min. operation of transferring water to them. Then they in form us they do not have a crane to raise our water hose for transfer.

Whole different operation now.

They must manually lower their water line to us, we must find a way to secure the vessel to them so that we may stay in place to transfer.

We find one cleat that is good enough to tie up on, so we do.

The vessel must be maneuvered below their tag line holding the water line.

The engineer and I position ourselves at the Stern port side bit to retrieve their line, the captain will position the vessel below the tag line, we get the line, transfer the water and outta here.

Did not happen.

We are in position now,tag line being lowered, I reach out with the boat hook to catch tag line, out of no where a rogue wave, lifts the vessel up on the port side and dips violently on the starboard side, the three inch line holding the vessel snaps up from the bull works (side of the boat), catches me under my shoulder pit on my left side, heaves me in the air , across the vessel to the starboard side, like a rag doll.

I am slammed into the starboard side stacks (engine exhaust cover). The engineer is caught across the chest and neck and slammed into the stern. He starts screaming and crying, the captain is trying to take control of the vessel, people running from everywhere the whole crew now on the back deck.

The captain radios for a medic helicopter, 2 men down on the back deck. I just lay there in a kinda of daze knowing what happened but not knowing if it was real.
The captain yell at the crew to not move us that the medics were on the way. Scared, wet, cold,
dazed, thinking is this it then I die at sea.
Wake up at the sound of a helicopter, on a stretcher now being loaded up for the ride in right.
Did not happen.

The helicopter is not prepared for a two man lift, and cannot fit any stretchers inside, that helicopter leaves, one medic stays. Two hours another helicopter arrives this time we are loaded for the 2hour ride to the hospital in New Orleans.
At the hospital I am x-rayed but they x-ray the wrong side of where I got hurt, our home office guy is outside the x-ray room waiting. He tells me the engineer has died, seem his spline was crushed and it took so long to get in that he bled to death.
I break down and cry, hurting from the injury, but more so in grief, he had two little boys and I am no youngster.
They release me to return to work, but the company guy want me checked out by another doctor. I get checked out. All of ribs on my left side are broken, my ankle is broken,my right wrist is broken, the meniscus in both knees are torn, the muscles in my neck are torn, concussion, and I have broke my back in 4 places. What a miracle to just be alive I am told, I breakdown and cry, BS BS BS BS why did I live, that poor kid with babies, his family needed him much more than mine needed me.
Sorry i still cry, I don't feel like any miracle happened, i just think of that kid screaming on the back deck.
Any way i recover go back to work two years later, have a massive heart attack, they missed the bruised heart, have a quad bypass, and still live.
All i can do now is try and forget the accident in my dreams and pray that those little boys don't hate me for living instead of their daddy.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Another Turn Around

I apologize for the story interruption but i am working on cabinets in between writing this blog.
So now we have our vessel loaded down with the hands off the rig, our main crew, and a few company men. The trip back to port is extremely rough which the sea hands can handle but all the others are having a hard time to deal with. Imagine if you will sitting on one of those mechanical bulls for eight hours, that is our ride. The vessel is thrown from side to side the seas are now raising to the 15-20ft level so we are up and down like a roller coaster. I handle the wheel OK as i was through this before on a tug boat towing the shuttle crafts fuel tank to cape Canaveral (that's another story maybe later).
After riding the waves for ten solid wrecking hours we reach the sea buoy, now I can catch a 40min. nap.
We arrive at the dock, tie up and unload a boatload of seasick travelers, clean up their mess and start securing the vessel for the incoming storm.
We are not ready to settle in, ya I can get some sleep, but oh no not to be.
Over the radio we get the call, two guys are on a platform in the delta and are going to need water. They have elected to ride out the storm on this small platform. Well needless to say no one was thrilled at this prospect. We were all tired, hungry and sleepy at this juncture and we relayed this back to the people at the home office that we thought this would be ridiculous and unsafe. These guys were only wanting 700gal. of water, our pump pumps that in a minute.
So we would be making this trip in these conditions for a 10min. service call.
Over every ones protests we were over voted by the home office this was a must happen operation.
Maybe i will get another 30-40min. nap.

Ok My Story -- Picking Up Passengers

******The author is not responsible for poor typing and grammatical errors*******

I hate hurricane season, I know many of you do not live in hurricane prone areas, unfortunately I do. I have been through recent years Katrina, Rita and Gustaf, and these are the ones that i went through on land. my biggest reason that i hate them is because what one did to me offshore.
I can't even remember its name nor if it made it to shore only what it did to me.
I may have related this to one or two of you before but today it has really been on my mind and I had a nightmare about it again last night, so I figure what the hell get out of my system and go on about the day.
It was an unusually cool and breezy afternoon when we left the dock headed to a rig 124 miles out in the gulf of Mexico, we had been watching the weather reports before leaving and knew there was a storm brewing and that we probably would not be out there too long. I was riding as 1st mate so it was my responsibility to take over the wheel at the sea buoy to the rig. this was a 180ft supply vessel the trucker on the gulf if you will. W e had a crew of seven for the vessel and passengers for the rig. As we were headed out you couldn't help but notice how the seas were growing and getting rougher in fact just before we got to the rig we were radioed to keep our passengers on board and that we would be picking up about 30 more people.
We would be doing a hurricane evacuation from the rig transporting these people back to shore for safety.
At this point I had been at the wheel for aroun 14hrs already the turn around trip would be another 10hrs plu the time it would take to load an off load passengers from our vessel.
This is a normal procedure but not normal weather, the loading of passengers took twice as long as normal and these guys are more used to riding helicopters to and from the rig so they are not happy with the accomadtios afforded by a supply vessel either, their normal ride to the rig is about an hour by air and they would be on a vessel on the sea for over 8hrs. Most of them had no sea legs or the stomach for the ride they were getting ready to take. enough for now

Thursday, August 13, 2009

My Favorite Quotes-released 1/23/2010

I wrote this a long time ago now, when I first started blogging, but never released it, felt like this time was right..

You may be on the right track, but if you sit there too long you are bound to get run over.
Will Rogers

Age is like mind over matter if you don't mind it don't matter.
Earl Nightingle

There are two ways to live your life... one is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is a miracle.
Albert Einstein

Come in, sit a spell, keep it simple, talk some, listen more, work hard play harder, see you soon in good health.

There is nothing sweeter in life than good friends.
Good friends inspire fond memories of times together.
Good friends laugh at your horrible jokes.
Good friends never grow old.
Good friends keep you on the right track.
Good friends are a miracle.
Quite simply be a friend but be a good friend.
If you need a friend find a good one.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

A Little Change UP

I thought that I would do something a little different today because as i have started reading other blogs and the traffic to mine has really picked up I thought this might just be appropriate for today.
there you were just a window away, quietly watching as was I, not knowing you and you being so mysteriously interested.
A realization an epiphany if you will, took hold of my soul, you, you could cause my heart to race my soul to fly, awaken the creative spirit folded in the recesses of my dormant mind.
To feel again, to listen to the wind again, just to be on the inside of the creative stream of the universe again.
ok enuff of my hippie side
just wanted to say hi to all and say thank you for reading and being there to be read,

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


Alright so I go to the court house today to track down the property and it's owner. First of all you have to find the property on a plat, then you have to go to a tax office to find if the taxes have been paid and who the current owner is. I figure from this point I can find out how Dean got away with living out there on this property.
The property turns out to be 880 acres of prime forest land full of pine trees, many of which had already been harvested.
To my amazement the taxes were current, but when I asked who had paid the taxes they could not give me a name. It seems that whomever paid the taxes had done so with cash.
The legal holder of the land was and is of record tho, to my amazement that person turns out to be my friend Dean.
A true shocker .
I don't know what else to say today. Too stunned.

We Laugh A Lot


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About Me

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I Have started this blog as a rest stop to collect my thoughts, share my ideas with my friends and to start work on what ever, I started blogging at the last of august, 2009. it says 2008, hell I don't know where they got

just kicken it around