Sunday, June 13, 2010
Man I ain't never seen nuthin like this afore, pesky little critters in my yard, I don't believe my eyes.
Sittin on the front porch, drinkin my coffee, readin the paper, waitin on Clem to stop by with the mail.Wavin at all them busy people headed to work.
I am lookin aroun survayin this here yard of mine, when I notices sumthin I ain't never seen afore. A damned hole in my perifk lawn. I wonder had them kids been out here diggin holes an such.
Bout this time Clem shows up with the mail.
I ask Clem, had he ever in his life seen anythin as bad as this afore, hell you walk crost my yard, ain't nothin funny bout it. The lawn sinks in when you step on it an ever thing, little holes ever whar, I don't like it, gonna have a talk with them kids.
Clem, now he started a laffin. Ain't nuthin them kids is a doin, them thar is mole hills, you got moles in your yard, Mr. Bob, an ya better do sumthin bout it purty damn quick like. They'll take over your whole damn yard, en ever thin gonna die there.
Well hell, I don't know nuthin bout these critters, they like coons or possums, how you git rid of the damned things no way?
Well you go down to Lowes, go to their lawn n garden department an ask Lerlene, what you need to do to get rid of em, they got all the stuff there.
Hell, Lerlene, she couldn't find a grocery store, lessen Lester drew her a map on how to get there an back home, what good will that woman do fer me.
Well hell, she's smarter then you, least wize she knows whut a mole is.
Well, I'm a thinkin, I ain't goin to Lowes for sure now, Lerlene ain't a gonna make no fool outta me.
I git in my truck, an head out to to Petes Seed and Feed, they got all thet stuff thar an I won't havta deal with Lerlene. I git to Petes, go inside, see that Petes there. Hey pete, whatcha got to git rid of them damned moles, hell, I got em all in my yard.
Ain't nuthin to it Mr.Bob, we got all the stuff right here. Got them pellets, that you spread aroun the hole, got the little trap thet ketches em, got the little werm bait, what they eat, and got the spray, what you can spray the odor they don't like, an runs em off.
Good give me plenty of all of em.This heres an all out war, ginst them mole critters.
That'll be 129.87 with tax an all Mr.Bob, an I sure hope you get rid of all of em.
So, I go home, spay the yard, spread them pellets round them holes, put out, and set all them traps, and bury all them werm bait things. Real proud of my self now, got all this mole chasin, killin, stuff put out in the yard, maybe now I kin git my yard back, to its beutiful self agin.
Next mornin, headed to the front porch with my paper and coffee, I notice the yard has even more holes then it did yestereday. I walk out ther on the lawn an notices them damned critters had dug holes all aroun the holes what were already ther. Them pellets still layin on top of the groun, the danged werms wern't even touched, and that odor smell spay, had my yard smellin like rotten eggs.
I got in my truck, headed down to have a little talk with Pete. Got ther, yelled hey Pete, I gotta bone to pick with you. I spent 130.00 dollars here yesterday, to git rid of them damned moles, hell, all they did was party down on my yard.
Pete says calm down there now Mr.Bob, thers more ways to get rid of them damned critters, you just lost the first battle thats all. You need more up to date ammo sounds like to me. We'll try these latest electronical devices on em. Them little critters hear this sounds and they scatters faster than ole ladies when they hear the dollar stores havin a sale on Tom Jones Records, fer half off.
Now your talkin Pete, load me up, I wantta get em in the groun and run them rascals off.
That'll be $147.50 Mr. bob, an I sure hope you git rid of all of em this time.
I went home and put these little solar powered, electronic noise makers ever 20 feet aroun my yard. Hell, that oughta make em nervous as hell, run em off somewheres else. It makes a reall high pitched sound .
Next mornin, headed to the front porch with my paper and coffee, I look out there in the yard, an have even more holes, cept now they go in circles an all over the place.
Git in my truck and head back to see Pete. Git to Petes, yell out hey pete, them damned elctronic noise makers didn;t nuthin, not a damned thing, cept keep my dogs a barkin all night long. I done spent. almost 3 hunert dollars, an all i got is fat, crazy, moles , diggin even more holes than I had before. Hell, my front yard looks like target practice for beginner bomb practice. I guess I'll just haveta, tuck tail an go see Lerlene at Lowes an see whut they suggest, cause I ain't a given you no more money here. Then I stomped out.
Found Lerlene, out in the garden shop, now I didn't wanta arm her with no gossip, so I didn't tell her nuthin bout my rounds with these dang moles an all the money I had done spent at Petes.
What cha got to git rid of these here moles. I'm a willin to try anything, I just wantta git em outta my yard.
Well, Mr.Bob, you don't wanna waste no money on no pellets or electronic noise makers, or none of this other stuff for that matter. Now Lester, he just goes out and pees in the yard where they are. They smell it, an they think some ones aroun, that'll git em, an they skedaddle. Try that, Lester swears by it. Hope it does the trick fer you Mr.Bob, stop by the house and ask Lester, he knows ever thing bout gettin rid of them critters.
I figured, what the hell, sounds like a great idea to me.Went down and bought a couple cases of beer and got started.
A couple of days later, went to see Lester.
Lester, when he saw me, he just broke out in the biggest laffin spell you ever did see. Howdy Mr. Bob, heard you had a war a goin with them damned moles.
Oh already heard about it I see, I said.
Yep, funny as hell too. When Lerlene tole you I got rid of them moles by pissin in the yard, she forgot to tell you we live way out here with trees and such hidin our place, You shoulda come here first, hell, now everone knows what you did and are havin a laffin party.
Mr.Bob, you are one crazy ole rednck, standin out in your front yard, right by that hiway ther, drinkin beer and pissin on your lawn. Hell, I heard when the state police got there and arrested you, you was drunk as a skunk. Tellin them boys to draw their guns and shoot them damned moles, damned wish I had been ther, had to be one of the funiest things I never saw.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Ain't got no, can't get no, but hell, I always get drunk just lookin. I know yall thot you wuz dettin a new story, sorry bout that, but I got sum cookin, read this for now, and new ens are a commin.
Clems brother, Jerry Wayne, has always had extremely long hair and a really long and thick beard. It was all beginning to turn gray and white. He has also always had these real thick glasses, those that are so heavy, they fall off your nose, he always, peered over his glasses.
His wife, Merlene, told him she weren't gonna have nuthin to do with him no more, iffin he didn't git that stuf cut off.
He came to me and Clem and and asked what ought he do.
Man are we gonna have some fun with this one.
We tole ole Jimmy, man we would love to hep him out iffin he was a willin to help us out.
Ole Jimmy, said anthin, long as it ain't sumthin stoopid, like havein to go to church for a year , or take out ole Blevins, ugly daughter, we laffed, hell, Jimmy we wouldn't do nuthin like thet, your married, and ain't no church we would want to punish like thet no way.
BUT!! We do have a favor.
Clara and Joe, your next door neighbors, been callin the law on us for years, ever time we have a party, an well, we would kinda like to git em back, nuthin mean mind you, just a little fun.
Hell, they known me all my life, how you gonna have me do anythin, that'll fool them two?
Merlene, wants you to clean up, right?
You want to keep Merlene happy ,right?
So, you gonna have to have a streme make over, right?
Hell, way we see it, they ain't even gonna know who you are. Now, you gittin the pikture?
Jerry Wayne, got his hair cut real short, got his beard all shaved off, had this fancy surgery done on his eyes, didn't wear them glasse no more. Hell, we didn't even recognize him.
Merlene was thrilled, an Jerry Wayne.got non stop luvin for a week.
Everbody is happy.
We take him over to Clara and Joes house, and introduce him, as a good friend from back east.
This guy, can tell you bout anythin you've done or any thin thats a gonna happen in the future.
Clara an Joes' ears perked up, tell us more they said.
So, Jerry Wayne, seein they donn't recognize him, really gits into it.
He starts out, tellin em bout past events, bout their kids, bout how they fell in love, when they moved into their ole house, an had to fix up all the bad plummin. How six years ago Joe had a car wreck, and seven years ago Clara, won some money at the casino, just all kinds of things.
They never even once, so much as had no idea that this was Jerry Wayne, their next door neighbor for the last twenty five years.
He asked em if they wanted to know bout their future now.
They was so amazed bout the information of their past, they yelled, HELL YES. They was excited to find out all bout it now.
Well, you got fifty dollars and I'll tell you all about your future then.
Man, I never seen Clara move that fast, she jumped up, ran to the back, came back, with five crisp ten dollar bills, just a wavin em an sayin tell us now.
Jerry Wayne takes the fifty, looks at it real hard like. lays it on the coffee table, spreads it out, and studies real hardfor bout five minutes, not sayin a word.
Ya'll have, an ole oak tree, out back, surrounded by some bramble, thorn bushes.
Joe and Clara, both shake their head yep, been here since we got this place they said.
An ole couple use to live here, Jerry Wayne continues, an you folks is bout to find their treasure. what they buried there. Seems Joe here, knows an ole man name Benard, an you two gonna meet up an fine thet ole treasure. It is buried under thet ole oak tree, just a waitin for the two of you to dig it up. Cept, only problem is, you gotta dig at night, after midnight, can't have no lights, cept a flash light, an once you start diggin, you can't stop, or the treasure goes deeper.
Joe and Clara, are all so excited, they call Benard, right away, make plans, to start diggin thet night.
They git out there, right after midnight, they dig bout three feet down, the wind starts a blowin an a howlin, they start hearin voices of peple wailin, chains rattlin, and bells a ringin. They git scared an run back to the house.
This goes on bout a month or so, an they is gettin reall frustrated, hell, that treasure must be fifteen feet down by now.
Clem an I, never had no problems with our parties after midnight no more.
Thanks, Jerry Wayne, hope you and Marlene stay happy too.
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